0122: Don't Call It A Habit

Still not a habit. Don't call it a habit. It might never become a habit.

I have the kind of ADHD where habits don't take, like, at all, ever. If I'm doing something, I can hyperfocus on it for hours, or months, or whatever. But when I get distracted or pulled away or sometimes when I just have to go to sleep, I can wake up the next day and it's like it literally never happened.

It's been like that my whole life. I have to re-commit to what I want to do every day when I wake up, and if I forget something overnight, it's just... gone. I'll remember it a month later, or years later, and just think: well, shit.

I an horrified by how often this happens.

I had a YT Channel for a long time. (I still do, but I used to, too.) I really want to get back to it. I loved making videos. Little movies, even just vlogging.

I really don't think those videos (or the music I made in a previous life, or any of the rest of it, including me typing these very words) was/is about growing my ego, or any of that toxic masculinity bullshit. (I mean, I'm sure it is, but I have another justification.) It's just that -- hearing my own voice was just a reminder that I exist in the world. I'd like to be reminded of that again. I sometimes forget.

Man, what a gloomy gus I am this morning. I'll come back to this after I get some schoolwork done.